Okay…. Not so legal disclaimer: 1. This is a fairly lengthy
post, sit down, grab a cup of joe or whatever and spend some time reading and
thinking through these thoughts, 2. This is not a post that is designed to make
you feel guilty or shame you into my way of thinking (which I see a lot of
these days, especially in the area of parenting) … not my style – I am just a
normal guy who’s perspective has been totally ripped apart and rearranged… this
is a reflection of my journey… not a you must go do this and do it this way because
I have everything figured out…. So not the case.
“Mercy has a cost: someone must be broken for someone else
to be fed. The sermon that changed your life? That messenger was poured out so
you could hear it. The friends who stood in the gap during your crisis? They
embraced some sacrifice of brokenness for your healing. Anytime you say, “That
fed me, that nourished me,” someone was the broken bread for your fulfillment.”
– Jen Hatmaker; Interrupted –
NavPress 2014
This is great example of foster care/ adoption looks like.
This quote is elegant, simple, and yet poignant and clear: when you enter this
world you will be poured out. It is inevitable. And on many levels I understood
that. We (I say we because foster care affects the whole family: my wife, my
kids, extended family, me) knew going in that we would be to a certain level of
difficulty laying down our lives for a kiddo (s)! We were giving up a lot of
our comforts to care for and love a little one; that may or may not be part of
our family (God knew before time that our son would be adopted by us one day…but
we had no idea). But he was worth whatever cost it may have or could one day possibly
be. We loved without abandon because that is how we are loved and that is what the
kid(s) deserve. He was part of our family from the moment we met and would be
for as long as we had him. As we grew to know him we hoped and prayed that he
would forever be a part of our family … and that is where things start to get
sticky.
How do you pray for that? In doing so are you praying
against the birth family? Are you waiting for their demise to make your dreams
come true? How does that work, is that even cool? It didn’t seem right, and we certainly
didn’t want to be filled with joy (which we are because of the adoption) because
someone else is filled with pain. So the haunting question became… How do we
love well? That is to say how do we model Jesus in this situation? Not just
with the baby- because that is simple he’s a baby and undeniably cute (he knows
it to which is probably not good).
But how do we love the workers well? How about the judge or
lawyers involved? Easy when they are “moving in a direction” that seems
congruent with our goals/ desires … not as easy when it felt like they we
moments away from pulling your entire world out from under your feet. A little
more uncomfortable right… but still do-able; trying to be gracious as the
never-ending parade of visitors come through your home. Talking and loving in
difficult conversations, staying even not getting to defensive or to anxious. Breathe, suck it up, and die to yourself, this
is not about you…hard but with grace from God we can do this.
What about the birth mom? In our case; our little guy came
to us in the most dire of circumstances; as most who are wards of the state are in. (I get that there is a broken system and there is all kinds of injustice
happening… this was not our story) How do we feel love and compassion for her!?
God don’t you know the circumstances that led to this point! Isn’t she culpable
for her decisions! DO I HAVE TO LOVE HER TOO? The answer to this questions was
of course yes. I can’t do that God, you are going to have to do that in me………..scary
prayer, and be careful of those. Pray
for wisdom, I don’t even know how to start doing that, show me! Pray for
justice, I don’t know how this situations is going to work out, I know what I
want (to keep our son) but I don’t want to see anyone “fail, lose, in pain” to
make that happen. How do we speak to birth mom, what do we say? First,
recognize she is not a monster! She was created in Your image Lord, she has access
to the same grace that has so changed my life! She has value and worth beyond
imagine to You! She deserves love and to know that her story is not finished.
She still has breath and You can redeem and remake her! YOU LOVE HER and that
is reason enough for us to try and show her that! After our perspective shift…
try: start to communicate in positive ways, pray for her, do not demean or
diminish her, be grateful towards her (she eventually gave us one of the greatest
gifts of our life our son), most important of all do not think of ourselves as
better than her….ouch!
But - oh to get a glimpse of what God can do in her life! If I
could have known, would have known what we would experience with her yesterday…would
obedience have been so much easier? God’s redemption is so beautiful! She has
moved on with her life…she loves the Lord… she is married… she had another
child last week……now the system is involved again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh
Lord this is too much! God can’t they see the progress she has made. She is not
the person she was! We are now her cheerleaders and my wife is informally mentoring
her! God this may break her, her family, her walk with You! Please no!
Now comes the real perspective shift! What do we have to be
willing to do to keep her new family together? Is the state going to remove the
baby? Do we take the baby in? How do we explain that to our son someday? Can we
move them in to our home? Are we willing to be that bold? Lord this is not our
son, he is hers…I know this my heart, can I be a grandparent in this situation?
Will I be willing to go to court and testify? Would I stake my reputation on
her and her new family as being a safe place for this child? Can I write a
letter of encouragement? Can we be a safety plan? The stress level is 50 times
worse than the first time because we walked into the system blindly, now we
know and we are heartbroken because we also know this is a mistake! Pray for
wisdom…pray for justice: God this is too big and I cannot do it. Tears from my
kids facing the prospect of uncertainty, tears of grief of how this could break
someone we have come to love! Yes we are willing, to all questions above but
Lord, where is the redemption?
How much support does it take to stop the DHHS machine? Judge
refused to sign removal papers but still wanted a hearing? As we gathered at
the courthouse yesterday… a picture of complete redemption! Birth mom, her husband,
and baby surrounded by a family of believers from their church! My wife and I
there too, praying outside the court room in a big circle! Hearing their fears
and concerns, weeping brokenhearted, Lord I will be displaced but this seems so
unfair! Then we walk into the same courthouse, same attorneys as before, same
judge, and a new DHHS work (not surprising due to the turnover for those often thankless
heroes) completely different version of the story. A girl who was far from You,
isolated, and hurting now surrounded by You, your saints called into her life,
and her family (us included) … Judge sings a new song, this baby stays with his family …. Such relief … How beautiful!
Thank you for emptying me in this process Lord!
