Poured Out

Okay…. Not so legal disclaimer: 1. This is a fairly lengthy post, sit down, grab a cup of joe or whatever and spend some time reading and thinking through these thoughts, 2. This is not a post that is designed to make you feel guilty or shame you into my way of thinking (which I see a lot of these days, especially in the area of parenting) … not my style – I am just a normal guy who’s perspective has been totally ripped apart and rearranged… this is a reflection of my journey… not a you must go do this and do it this way because I have everything figured out…. So not the case.

“Mercy has a cost: someone must be broken for someone else to be fed. The sermon that changed your life? That messenger was poured out so you could hear it. The friends who stood in the gap during your crisis? They embraced some sacrifice of brokenness for your healing. Anytime you say, “That fed me, that nourished me,” someone was the broken bread for your fulfillment.” – Jen Hatmaker; Interrupted – NavPress 2014

This is great example of foster care/ adoption looks like. This quote is elegant, simple, and yet poignant and clear: when you enter this world you will be poured out. It is inevitable. And on many levels I understood that. We (I say we because foster care affects the whole family: my wife, my kids, extended family, me) knew going in that we would be to a certain level of difficulty laying down our lives for a kiddo (s)! We were giving up a lot of our comforts to care for and love a little one; that may or may not be part of our family (God knew before time that our son would be adopted by us one day…but we had no idea). But he was worth whatever cost it may have or could one day possibly be. We loved without abandon because that is how we are loved and that is what the kid(s) deserve. He was part of our family from the moment we met and would be for as long as we had him. As we grew to know him we hoped and prayed that he would forever be a part of our family … and that is where things start to get sticky.

How do you pray for that? In doing so are you praying against the birth family? Are you waiting for their demise to make your dreams come true? How does that work, is that even cool? It didn’t seem right, and we certainly didn’t want to be filled with joy (which we are because of the adoption) because someone else is filled with pain. So the haunting question became… How do we love well? That is to say how do we model Jesus in this situation? Not just with the baby- because that is simple he’s a baby and undeniably cute (he knows it to which is probably not good).

But how do we love the workers well? How about the judge or lawyers involved? Easy when they are “moving in a direction” that seems congruent with our goals/ desires … not as easy when it felt like they we moments away from pulling your entire world out from under your feet. A little more uncomfortable right… but still do-able; trying to be gracious as the never-ending parade of visitors come through your home. Talking and loving in difficult conversations, staying even not getting to defensive or to anxious.  Breathe, suck it up, and die to yourself, this is not about you…hard but with grace from God we can do this.

What about the birth mom? In our case; our little guy came to us in the most dire of circumstances; as most who are wards of the state are in. (I get that there is a broken system and there is all kinds of injustice happening… this was not our story) How do we feel love and compassion for her!? God don’t you know the circumstances that led to this point! Isn’t she culpable for her decisions! DO I HAVE TO LOVE HER TOO? The answer to this questions was of course yes. I can’t do that God, you are going to have to do that in me………..scary prayer, and be careful of those.  Pray for wisdom, I don’t even know how to start doing that, show me! Pray for justice, I don’t know how this situations is going to work out, I know what I want (to keep our son) but I don’t want to see anyone “fail, lose, in pain” to make that happen. How do we speak to birth mom, what do we say? First, recognize she is not a monster! She was created in Your image Lord, she has access to the same grace that has so changed my life! She has value and worth beyond imagine to You! She deserves love and to know that her story is not finished. She still has breath and You can redeem and remake her! YOU LOVE HER and that is reason enough for us to try and show her that! After our perspective shift… try: start to communicate in positive ways, pray for her, do not demean or diminish her, be grateful towards her (she eventually gave us one of the greatest gifts of our life our son), most important of all do not think of ourselves as better than her….ouch!

But - oh to get a glimpse of what God can do in her life! If I could have known, would have known what we would experience with her yesterday…would obedience have been so much easier? God’s redemption is so beautiful! She has moved on with her life…she loves the Lord… she is married… she had another child last week……now the system is involved again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh Lord this is too much! God can’t they see the progress she has made. She is not the person she was! We are now her cheerleaders and my wife is informally mentoring her! God this may break her, her family, her walk with You! Please no!

Now comes the real perspective shift! What do we have to be willing to do to keep her new family together? Is the state going to remove the baby? Do we take the baby in? How do we explain that to our son someday? Can we move them in to our home? Are we willing to be that bold? Lord this is not our son, he is hers…I know this my heart, can I be a grandparent in this situation? Will I be willing to go to court and testify? Would I stake my reputation on her and her new family as being a safe place for this child? Can I write a letter of encouragement? Can we be a safety plan? The stress level is 50 times worse than the first time because we walked into the system blindly, now we know and we are heartbroken because we also know this is a mistake! Pray for wisdom…pray for justice: God this is too big and I cannot do it. Tears from my kids facing the prospect of uncertainty, tears of grief of how this could break someone we have come to love! Yes we are willing, to all questions above but Lord, where is the redemption?

How much support does it take to stop the DHHS machine? Judge refused to sign removal papers but still wanted a hearing? As we gathered at the courthouse yesterday… a picture of complete redemption! Birth mom, her husband, and baby surrounded by a family of believers from their church! My wife and I there too, praying outside the court room in a big circle! Hearing their fears and concerns, weeping brokenhearted, Lord I will be displaced but this seems so unfair! Then we walk into the same courthouse, same attorneys as before, same judge, and a new DHHS work (not surprising due to the turnover for those often thankless heroes) completely different version of the story. A girl who was far from You, isolated, and hurting now surrounded by You, your saints called into her life, and her family (us included) … Judge sings a new song, this baby stays with his family …. Such relief … How beautiful!

Thank you for emptying me in this process Lord!

Habakkuk 1:1-3

Habakkuk 1:1-3

How long, Lord, must I call for help,
    but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!”
    but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
    Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?
Destruction and violence are before me;
    there is strife, and conflict abounds.
Therefore the law is paralyzed,
    and justice never prevails.


Today, some of my waiting is over! Praise God I am new! I have a relationship with the Lord and He is doing wonderful things in my life! I haven't written for a while, but I had a chance to share a message from my favorite passage this past weekend at a youth event in Weeping Water. As the hymn goes this is my story, this is my song!

Psalm 40:1-3

I waited patiently for the Lord;
    he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
    out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
    and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,
    a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the Lord
    and put their trust in him.

Starting Over - My journey into foster care

I just realized how long it has been since we talked, sorry about that, we have been busy in my house.

I am not even sure where I am desiring to go with this post...should this be a call to action for others, am I trying to get you all involved in something larger than us, do I want you all just to hear my heart and what has been going on in our lives, or do I just need to vent. This post may turn into several as I begin writing and see what words are hitting the "paper".

Let's start at the beginning  We have become involved in the foster care process. Over the course of the past 3 months we have had 5 different boys in our home ranging in age from hours old to three years. Most of those boys were only with us for short periods of time, however, currently we have a boy that has been with us from birth and will be with us for the foreseeable future. This has been a huge adjustment me for me...my youngest turned 14 in February and to start over with a baby has been fun, challenging, joyful, and heart wrenching all at the same time. It is not an easy walk, but I am fully convinced that this is what James was talking about - when he said to "be doers" of the Word and that religion that takes care of orphans and widows is what the Lord desires. This becomes tangible in very real ways...changing diapers, or getting spit-up on (which by the way this little guy really likes to do to me when I get home from work). You forget how helpless and dependent one so small is after 14 years. It has been a very fulfilling experience.

But it is hard to guard our hearts...if that is possible at all? We would desire to provide this little guy with a loving permanent home. He is bonded to us, if I call home to talk with Renee and she puts the phone by the baby, he hears my voice and starts to coo back at me. We love him as if he were ours because he is... and yet he is not. We are in this odd state of limbo. We know what we desire, we think that would be the best option for this boy. We think most people who would here the details of how he came to be with us would agree...however; add laws, DHHS, visitations, lawyers, bio-parents, and all of the other circumstances into the mix and everything becomes cloudy.

We know God knows the outcome, we know that He is in control, and He can over rule all of those other things that muddy up the water. It is just this process is so taxing. There are visits and a constant parade of people in and out of our home; trying to keep up with the home and extra emotional baggage from the situation is completely draining and taking care of a baby on top of all that too... Like the parents of any other newborn, we just want to adjust and settle into a good family routine; however, our routine is dictated by all of the outside factors.

This could just all be amplified right now, louder than usual and harder to deal with, as the baby had visits over the weekend to make up for lost time due to weather conditions...meaning the the rhythm we have been establish on the weekends when we don't have to worry about visits, workers, etc... was taken away this past weekend.

Please be praying for us!

Why today?

I need help, prayer actually! I hate this situation...I can't see which way to go and how to make this work! Why today, what should I do now? How will this affect those around me? This decision will stink no matter which way it ends up going!

This breaks my heart!


I know this is very vague and I apolgize...but others are involved...just pray!

It should be thanksgiving!

What a week....sorry we haven't talked much, but I have been pretty busy! I do want to share some of the awesome things that have been going down this past week-two weeks.

* At ILA - we have had record crowds the past two weeks in a row! I am so amazed at our students and thier desire to know about God. The joy they have shown since we have started back up is awesome...I am so please I get to hang with them on Sunday nights!

* LCS Drama- the students I work with have so much to be proud of. They presented a difficult topic, the Holocaust  with integrity, passion, and a level of excellence. I am so proud that I get to serve at LCS in this capacity and am truly blessed by what the students have accomplished  Most importantly they performed for "An audience of ONE" and gave thanks to Him for the talents He has given.

* Hopes and Dreams - I am amazed by this night. We had a record number of people come to hear the story of City Impact...a number of them have decided to partner alongside of us. The ILA students were out using their God-given strengths; speaking team members were greeting all of the guests while philanthropy team students were auctioning off cookies for the next projects. My friends, Alonzo and Tonya did a great job of communicating City Impact's ministry and the affects on their family to all who were there. Just a great night, and God' has provided so much blessing from the night....we are getting ever closer to groundbreaking, keep an eye on CI's website for updates on pledges and cash donations.

* Our friend and missionary Nicole came to Hopes and Dreams, she told us about how awesome Gad has been...and she is ready to go to the field. Language school in France in January and then on to Africa. Our family will miss her but we are excited to see her go, and to see what God will accomplish through her and her fellow co-laborers!  

*Pumpkins - We had a chance to carve pumpkins as a family and with Ethan our exchange student, I am sure Renee will be posting pics soon on Facebook.

Joy!

"We are full of joy even when we suffer. We know that our suffering gives us the strength to go on. The strength produces character. Character produces hope. And hope will never let us down. God has poured His love into our hearts. He did it through the Holy Spirit, whom He has given to us."

This is what I will be talking to ILA students about this week...and it is a hard message, mostly because our human nature works so opposite to the concept in these verses. It's easy to look at the circumstances of our life, especially when we are "suffering" or going through trials...and to have little joy...which leads to a lack of hope! I look back at my own life, when I have been through very hard circumstances (in my mind) and I can see how hopeless I reacted...pity party for 1. Or I look at a someone else who is sick, with a terrible thing like cancer or diabetes....sometimes you can see the joy & strength leave them...they lose hope!

Our students at ILA have their own problems, some are "normal" teenage problems, some are things I wouldn't ever imagine going though...or things I would never want to experience again! How do we keep our joy during these horrible events! During this time in our lives!

Perspective! Jesus said "In this world you will have trouble, but be of good cheer, for I have overcome the world." Christians do a great job of painting a relationship with Christ as cure-all type of elixir.Look at Christian movies like "Facing the Giants," where faith in Christ and a new found devotion leads to everything working out just right...the protagonist of the film riding into the sunset with everything he ever desired from God. Or a name it and claim it mentality  as if God is some sort of supernatural vending machine that we can get to respond to our wishes with the right prayers! God, through His Son, has resolved humankind's  SIN issue, He didn't promise gumdrops and rainbows where everything is right. In fact He said the opposite!

So where is our joy! How do we keep in good cheer? How do awful things build character in our lives! God is sovereign - He works ALL things to good according to His will. He promises He will one day make ALL things new. A world without sin and the suffering that comes because of it! His goodness to us, that He loved us so much that He devised a way to bring our unholy selves into a relationship with Him, Who IS HOLY! I can't imagine why God would allow such horrific things in this world...but I believe that why is the wrong question, in asking why we are in fact going down the road that leads us to losing our joy! Perhaps we should be asking what and how, what do you want me to do in this situation and how can this hurt bring glory and honor to your name?

If you can't go...

Missions....that was our focus for years. We did not understand why God called us to "go"...but we were faithful to His leading. We understood even less when He called us away....but as we have waited and been led by Him we are in a position that only He would place us.

At City Impact, I am blessed to be working with a group of students that are seeking out His will for their lives, that are finding ways to serve the community and each other. Just this week a project the students have been working on for a long time was completed. They have been working to raise money and renovate the back yard of a shelter for battered women and children. This is the work that God calls all of us to - the widow and the orphan, the least of these!

In our new home we have extra space, God has put it on our hearts to move and now we are making room in our home for more people. We started with Renee's parents staying with us as her father recovered from surgery. They recently moved out, but during the time they were with us Renee and I went through the process of becoming licensed foster care parents. We don't know the outcome of this, only that God has given us enough love in our hearts for more children and a passion for those who are hurting.

Finally we are still called to be the church Globally, and if we can not "go" we can be senders ( and we are by supporting missionaries around the world), but we can also share the Gospel with those who come. One of our extra rooms now has the name of an Asian student on it. In his country one can not openly worship God.  He is coming to study at LCS and what better way to share the love of Christ with someone than by opening your home to them? We wont force our beliefs on him but we will allow him to see how God has penetrated every part of our family life! It is my prayer that Christ will be so present in our home that he wants to be a part of His family. 

God calls His whole church to make disciples. If you can't go- send....if you can't send find a way to serve the least of these where you are. Everything you have belongs to Him, so use everything for His Glory! 

Comfort in Chaos

We just had to respond! How could we not? I know most would not even consider some of the life choices we make....but when the call there...obvious...and discernibly clear what choice do we have!

Renee's comment is striking in it's truth - We thrive in chaos!

Our lives have been in constant flux for the past three years...three years ago? Is that all it was? During that time we have-

Left our Church home of 12 years!
Sold our house with nowhere to move to!
Interned in ministry at church in Crete... while living in Lincoln!
Switched to LCS instead of LPS!
Prepared for overseas missions!
Left my job and security for full dependence on God through supporters!
Ended ministry with missions!
Called to stay in Lincoln!
Moved into ministry with inner-city youths in Lincoln!
Left our church in Crete to connect with students in Lincoln!
Moved houses again!
Spent a good portion of the year living with Renee's parents,they stayed with us while Dad healed!
Prepared for Foster Parenting/ Adoption!
Accepted PT job as drama teacher at LCS to help with tuition costs!

Any combination of three of these are exhausting, in fact there were some days during the past three years that I seriously could not take anymore; I was spent, over, and too hard pressed! While you might look at this list and think...no way, I look and am excited. God has consistently called us to things bigger than ourselves... He is not content to leave us comfortable, but is challenging us to go, serve more, reach more; not for our fame or glory but for HIS! Our growth is the through the outflow of His love and faithfulness in situations where that is all have to hold on to...and when we respond He calls us to take another step...move farther out of that comfort zone....in to the "chaos". But it only looks like "chaos" to us, to Him who sees all things, and works all things for good according to His will, it looks like, I hope, our faithful response to His faithfulness! Then another call...another chance to answer the bell to step out of comfort.

A student from China at LCS needs a place to stay for the school year!
Fostering completed, calls to place children in the house to come soon!
Other challenges soon to come!

Lord give us your strength, because without You, I can not stand!

Pray for these families.

The 4th of July was a fantastic night of merriment and celebration for my family. We had an awesome time hanging out with some dear friends and family, watching the kids have a great time blowing off fireworks, and enjoying all of the neighbors shows. Great food, good times...

Then the next morning reports of some not so fun things started coming out...the neighborhood where City Impact is putting its new build had an awful tragedy strike... So sad... I am praying for all parties involved...asking you to do the same.

http://journalstar.com/news/local/crime-and-courts/police-fireworks-lead-to-fatal-shooting/article_67515d1c-8e55-566b-9769-917a058c0eb7.html

Update on Dad

Thank you all so much for your prayers yesterday! Dad successfully had his surgery on his left ankle. It was a long process ( in the OR for a little over 4 hours) and recovery has just started. We have a long list of medical supplies to pick up for him before he comes home. He is non-weight bearing on his surgically repaired ankle for 12 WEEKS! Then I am sure that he will have some additional PT to go through after, so it will be a process but the really scary part is over! Praise God for His faithfulness to Dad!

Seriously PRAY!

So this is a short blog to ask for all of you guys to pray for us; on Aug. 28th we head down to Avant for training and every time we have been there, we have come under fire -

COP July 2010 - My grandmother died while we were in KC, we had to come home for the funeral and return for the end of our training.

Team Lead Training; Feb. 2011 - We took our kids with us, Caleb was so very sick for the whole week!

COP July 2011 - We went down to meet the new Missionary appointees and teach a devotional time; Renee's dad ended up sick and going into the hospital.

So please pray for us. Also pray for our friends Ken and Teresa and Renee's Mom and Dad as they are going to help watch our kids while we are gone, so they don't have to miss school.

Prayer & Praise

Prayer & Praise

This page is a way for us to communicate our specific prayer needs to you. I will change these often and leave updates for ongoing prayer needs!

* Continue to pray for City Impact and our building campaign efforts!  Our Hopes and Dreams fundraiser on Oct. 29th, 2012 will be critical for us to complete our goals!

* Pray for Nicole, our missionary "sister" who is being prepared and shaped to go on the field to Africa! Specifically for her fiances as she is getting prepared for language school this winter!

* Pray fro Grayson & Eryn as they continue to seek the Lord's direction for their ministry & for the strengthening of this family and marriage!

* Rejoice with  Bud and us!  He is able to put wight on his leg and is walking!  His healing is right on schedule and he is getting stronger each day!

* Praise God for LCS drama; I have accepted the Assistant Director/Speech Team position! I will be directing the fall One Act/ Jr. High play as well as helping with other productions...with the talented Mrs. Freeman. We will have auditions next week and will be casting for One-Act and Jr. High productions.

* Pray for upcoming ILA year. There are still plenty of details to nail down before the end of our current hiatus. Pray for the new volunteers! Pray for the students! Pray that more students will come to see what is going on!

* Pray for the children who will be in our home. I am convinced that God has children for us that are in horrible circumstances even now, that would put them in the foster care system...pray that there hearts would be protected!

* Pray for Caleb and all of the students in fall sports, that they compete well and are safe.

Also I want to pray for all of you! If you need prayer please leave me a comment below or send an e-mail to me at mjohnson@cityimpact.org .