Poured Out

Okay…. Not so legal disclaimer: 1. This is a fairly lengthy post, sit down, grab a cup of joe or whatever and spend some time reading and thinking through these thoughts, 2. This is not a post that is designed to make you feel guilty or shame you into my way of thinking (which I see a lot of these days, especially in the area of parenting) … not my style – I am just a normal guy who’s perspective has been totally ripped apart and rearranged… this is a reflection of my journey… not a you must go do this and do it this way because I have everything figured out…. So not the case.

“Mercy has a cost: someone must be broken for someone else to be fed. The sermon that changed your life? That messenger was poured out so you could hear it. The friends who stood in the gap during your crisis? They embraced some sacrifice of brokenness for your healing. Anytime you say, “That fed me, that nourished me,” someone was the broken bread for your fulfillment.” – Jen Hatmaker; Interrupted – NavPress 2014

This is great example of foster care/ adoption looks like. This quote is elegant, simple, and yet poignant and clear: when you enter this world you will be poured out. It is inevitable. And on many levels I understood that. We (I say we because foster care affects the whole family: my wife, my kids, extended family, me) knew going in that we would be to a certain level of difficulty laying down our lives for a kiddo (s)! We were giving up a lot of our comforts to care for and love a little one; that may or may not be part of our family (God knew before time that our son would be adopted by us one day…but we had no idea). But he was worth whatever cost it may have or could one day possibly be. We loved without abandon because that is how we are loved and that is what the kid(s) deserve. He was part of our family from the moment we met and would be for as long as we had him. As we grew to know him we hoped and prayed that he would forever be a part of our family … and that is where things start to get sticky.

How do you pray for that? In doing so are you praying against the birth family? Are you waiting for their demise to make your dreams come true? How does that work, is that even cool? It didn’t seem right, and we certainly didn’t want to be filled with joy (which we are because of the adoption) because someone else is filled with pain. So the haunting question became… How do we love well? That is to say how do we model Jesus in this situation? Not just with the baby- because that is simple he’s a baby and undeniably cute (he knows it to which is probably not good).

But how do we love the workers well? How about the judge or lawyers involved? Easy when they are “moving in a direction” that seems congruent with our goals/ desires … not as easy when it felt like they we moments away from pulling your entire world out from under your feet. A little more uncomfortable right… but still do-able; trying to be gracious as the never-ending parade of visitors come through your home. Talking and loving in difficult conversations, staying even not getting to defensive or to anxious.  Breathe, suck it up, and die to yourself, this is not about you…hard but with grace from God we can do this.

What about the birth mom? In our case; our little guy came to us in the most dire of circumstances; as most who are wards of the state are in. (I get that there is a broken system and there is all kinds of injustice happening… this was not our story) How do we feel love and compassion for her!? God don’t you know the circumstances that led to this point! Isn’t she culpable for her decisions! DO I HAVE TO LOVE HER TOO? The answer to this questions was of course yes. I can’t do that God, you are going to have to do that in me………..scary prayer, and be careful of those.  Pray for wisdom, I don’t even know how to start doing that, show me! Pray for justice, I don’t know how this situations is going to work out, I know what I want (to keep our son) but I don’t want to see anyone “fail, lose, in pain” to make that happen. How do we speak to birth mom, what do we say? First, recognize she is not a monster! She was created in Your image Lord, she has access to the same grace that has so changed my life! She has value and worth beyond imagine to You! She deserves love and to know that her story is not finished. She still has breath and You can redeem and remake her! YOU LOVE HER and that is reason enough for us to try and show her that! After our perspective shift… try: start to communicate in positive ways, pray for her, do not demean or diminish her, be grateful towards her (she eventually gave us one of the greatest gifts of our life our son), most important of all do not think of ourselves as better than her….ouch!

But - oh to get a glimpse of what God can do in her life! If I could have known, would have known what we would experience with her yesterday…would obedience have been so much easier? God’s redemption is so beautiful! She has moved on with her life…she loves the Lord… she is married… she had another child last week……now the system is involved again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh Lord this is too much! God can’t they see the progress she has made. She is not the person she was! We are now her cheerleaders and my wife is informally mentoring her! God this may break her, her family, her walk with You! Please no!

Now comes the real perspective shift! What do we have to be willing to do to keep her new family together? Is the state going to remove the baby? Do we take the baby in? How do we explain that to our son someday? Can we move them in to our home? Are we willing to be that bold? Lord this is not our son, he is hers…I know this my heart, can I be a grandparent in this situation? Will I be willing to go to court and testify? Would I stake my reputation on her and her new family as being a safe place for this child? Can I write a letter of encouragement? Can we be a safety plan? The stress level is 50 times worse than the first time because we walked into the system blindly, now we know and we are heartbroken because we also know this is a mistake! Pray for wisdom…pray for justice: God this is too big and I cannot do it. Tears from my kids facing the prospect of uncertainty, tears of grief of how this could break someone we have come to love! Yes we are willing, to all questions above but Lord, where is the redemption?

How much support does it take to stop the DHHS machine? Judge refused to sign removal papers but still wanted a hearing? As we gathered at the courthouse yesterday… a picture of complete redemption! Birth mom, her husband, and baby surrounded by a family of believers from their church! My wife and I there too, praying outside the court room in a big circle! Hearing their fears and concerns, weeping brokenhearted, Lord I will be displaced but this seems so unfair! Then we walk into the same courthouse, same attorneys as before, same judge, and a new DHHS work (not surprising due to the turnover for those often thankless heroes) completely different version of the story. A girl who was far from You, isolated, and hurting now surrounded by You, your saints called into her life, and her family (us included) … Judge sings a new song, this baby stays with his family …. Such relief … How beautiful!

Thank you for emptying me in this process Lord!

Meekness.

We are not acting like Christ.... therefore we are not acting as Christians should.

I have been on a journey, at the heart of this journey is trying to understand why the "Religious Right" ever became a thing. Why is it that evangelicals have become a voting block? Not and just any voting block, but one that when things don't go our way we claim persecution. Why have we deemed ourselves responsible to legislate our nation's morality?  Why is it that young people and millennials are leaving the church en masse?

We (the church) have played a dangerous game by stepping into the "World's" operating system of legislation, law suits, and power.....and it is killing us! Evangelicals have thought; because of the cultural and sexual revolutions of the 60's and SCOTUS cases of the 70's like Roe vs. Wade (or more modern ones that I don't even want to touch) that we need to be more in control of what is happening in our nation and if we don't stand up to protect our rights we will be living in a nation of extreme depravity, far from God, and become an irrelevant voice....which we kind of have... WHY? Beacuse we are operating as the world, not like Christ ... who calls us to meekness.

I have been reading The Cost of Discipleship By Bonhoeffer as some nice light reading when I came across this quote and teaching on the one of the Beatitudes; he wrote
 "Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth." This community of strangers possesses no inherent right of its own to protect its members in the world, nor do they claim such rights, for they are meek, they renounce every right of their own for the sake of Jesus Christ. When reproached, they hold their peace; when treated with violence they endure it patiently; when men drive them from their presence they yield their ground. They do not go to law to defend their rights, or make a scene when they suffer injustice, nor do they insist on their legal rights. They are determined to leave their rights to God alone - non cupidi vindictae, as the ancient Church paraphrased. Their right is in the will of their Lord - that and no more. They show by every word and gesture that they do not belong to this earth.

Pasta Carbonara

One of my families' favorite types of pasta, so very easy to make and full of flavor. Pasta Carbonana is made with Bacon, Egg, and Cheese. Mine is a bit different than other recipes, but this is the way I was taught to make it....still simple and easy.


1 lb. of your favorite type of pasta noodles, traditionally it is made with spaghetti, but I like Farfalle
1 package of bacon (you can use pancetta if you like) - chopped into 1/4 inch pieces.
1 small onion -chopped
2 eggs
1/2 cup of Parmesan cheese (grated or shredded)
2-3 leaves of fresh Sweet Basil (chopped) (1/2 teaspoon of dried)
pinch of sugar
dash of balsamic vinegar
2 T. of butter
2 T. of flour
About 1 1/2 cups Milk - I use whole Milk (you could use 2% or half and half, but I would't use anything less)
salt and pepper to taste
optional - 3/4 cup of fresh peas or 1 can

Boil water for pasta in your stock pot, remember to salt water, it boils hotter and cooks the noodles better. You should be able to complete all other steps in time it take for water to boil and cook pasta if you have 10 min. noodles, use cold tap water, and have pre-choped other ingredients.

In an medium mixing bowl combine 1 cup of milk, eggs, cheese, basil, beat until mixed and set off to the side.

In a skillet, fry bacon after chopping into small pieces. Get it nice and crispy, you will want that texture. Drain mostly but keep just a touch of the fat (about 1 T.) in the pan. Return skillet with a bit of fat back to burner and place onions in to saute and caramelize once they start to cook down add the pinch of sugar.  Onions and fat will deglaze the pan, if not fully add just a dash of balsamic vinegar and allow to cook down. Add back in bacon (peas too) and turn down to a low simmer.

In a medium sauce pan start a roux by melting butter over low heat. Add flour and stir constantly until combined, add egg mixture and let cook for about 30 seconds. Pour into skillet with bacon continue to let cook down, it will thicken as it simmers, add more milk if sauce becomes too thick. Add a little bit of salt and pepper to taste.

Drain pasta, combine sauce and pasta in your pasta serving dish and enjoy!

Eddie Vedder, Jeff Ament, and Me

So... there is one more goal I have for this year, and I have been remiss to speak about this one for a long time. I have had in my head for a long time the idea/concept for a short film based on the music of Pearl Jam. In fact it has been marinating for the better part of a decade. So why the hesitenty to talk about this one... or to even put pen to paper to finish it, Now that I think would make an interesting blog post. I think it boils down to three reasons; in no particular order.....

A lack of confidence, sacred vs. secular, and motivation....

A lack of confidence is odd for me, in fact one of my top 5 Gallup strengths is self-assurance. I have written hundreds of dramas, scripts, and performance pieces.  I love drama and creativity, so you think that a lack of confidence would never be a problem, well....(here come the excuses) I have never written a script for a film before, what if it stinks, what if you do it all wrong, what if someone else reads it and says this is awful. If''ing my way to paralysis and never getting anywhere than a thought....

Sacred vs secular is harder.  I love Pearl Jam's music, I have since I first discovered it, so full of emotion and felling, well told stories that I related to in ways I could always understand... they seemed to give me a voice that I did not know how to convey as a young, scared, and fragile  man full of dysfunction. I got them. But the first time I was aware of problem was when I happened to wear a Pearl Jam tee (not uncommon for a 19 year old version of me) to a pre-marital counseling session for Renee and I, the person from the church we were meeting with was very disappointed that I listened to that kind of music and told me "garbage in, garbage out" which in hindsight seems to contradict some of Jesus' teachings but the message was clear - you cannot listen to this type of music if you are going to follow Jesus. While I now see the folly in this theology, it is still a hotly contested topic in evangelical circles. There is no shortage of well-intentioned brothers and sisters who will tell you exactly what you should or more importantly what you should NOT listen, read, watch, play, or wear. Mostly these are personal convictions that they put on others in the form of judgment while making themselves feel better. If that sounds like legalism ... it is! God's Spirit has not convicted me while listening to Pearl Jam, if that would happen I would stop, there are certain artist I will not support, games I will not play, movies I will not watch but that is all between God and me.

Finally motivation, but maybe not like you would think. If I sat down to write this out... I would want to see it through. It would not be okay enough for me to just write it out...I would want to take that script and see it to completion, I would want to take that idea and see it come to life. I would want to spend time with people I know (who also love film) and try my best to see this made. I would have to figure out how to get a hold of the band and see if they would 1. let me use their music and 2. how to get it made.... all of that seems very complicated to me, which generally moves me back to the question of confidence.

Here's to this year, to seeing this project done.

Dr. King and adoption... the same heartbeat

This was scheduled to post on Monday Jan.19th, sorry it is a day late.

I have long been haunted by a comment that is attributed to Dr. Martin Luther King, "The most segregated hour in America happens on Sunday mornings." Dr. King was looking at the cultural influence of the Church and commenting on the fact that as a whole the Church had systematically failed in bringing about some of the things promised in scripture, that we are a new creation in Christ where background, social-economic standings, and race do not mater; we are all Children of God through faith in Christ and He is weaving us together in a new culture that is different from the world. But the Church in the USA had done the opposite of that as a whole (not to say some individual churches we not doing great things); the church was supporting the idea of separate but equal in not in words but at least in deeds.

Almost 50 years later Lecrae said this is still true of U.S. Church culture. The church is not leading the charge of racial integration, we are sill living in segregated church bodies. Maybe even more so today, as many churches have picked up on marketing to a certain niche of people, we have churches for all types of sub-cultures; cowboy or hipster, seekers or young professionals, suburban or urban; sub-section upon sub-section that makes us feel more divided instead of united.

THIS REALLY BOTHERS ME! I long for a church where people from every background, worship together as Jesus creates a culture like promised in Galatians. I long for the day when  people of all colors worship God through a lens where all are equally heirs of The King (which we are) in one body and Spirit. And I questioned why this is so hard to find in our modern day church. Why are Dr. King's words still relevant today?????

What I didn't realize until reading a book recently is this may be something that is hardwired in me because of our story walking the the process of adoption. I have spoken with Renee and several friends who are pastors and pray for me about my heart for a multi-ethnic church. It was Renee who was reading the book Adopted for Life by Russell D. Moore when she said, you have to read this book....this sounds so much like what you have been talking about! And it is like the author has peered into my heart, here is a long excerpt that I so identify with, I want to plant a church like this at some point in my career....


          We're all designed for community-for brothers and sisters. That's why feminists speak so much about how powerful "sisterhood" is. It's why terrorist cells refer to their "brothers" who are readying themselves, too, for the revolution. It's why members of fraternities or sororities on college campuses name themselves "brothers" or "sisters". We all find brotherhood, for good or for ill, whether it's in a labor union, an international peacekeeping organization, or the Ku Kulx Klan. We'll identify ourselves by who is "one of us"-part of our "tribe". Unfortunately,this brotherhood is skin deep.

          Our Churches fall for the same thing all of the time. We can buy Bibles in niche editions- in the colors of our favorite sports teams or with study notes custom-made for our demographic group, whether we're recovering alcoholics or single mothers or theological intellectuals. We order our worship services around our age groups, with music designed to remind each generation of whatever was playing at the youth rallies of their college days. Our congregations are made up of people who look, talk, and think just like we do. And it never occurs to us that this is the same type of unity the world has to offer. Even in our churches, we seem to identify ourselves more according to the corporate brands we buy and the political parties we support than with each other.

          Our adoption means, though, that we find a different kind of unity. In Christ, we find Christ. We don't have our old identities based on race or class situation. The Spirit drives us from Babel to Pentecost, which is why "the works of the flesh" Paul warns about include "enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, distentions, divisions, and envy" and so forth (Gal. 5:19-21). When we find our identity anywhere other than Christ, our churches will be made up of warring partisans rather than loving siblings. And we'll picture to the world an autopsied Body of Christ, with a little bit of Jesus for everyone, all on our own terms (1 Cor. 1:12-13).

          What would it mean, though, if we took the radical notion of being brothers and sisters seriously? What would happen if your church saw an elderly woman no one would ever confuse as "cool" on her knees at the front of the church praying with a body pierced fifteen-year-old anorexic girl?  What would happen if your church saw a white millionaire cooperate vice president being mentored by a Latino minimum wage earning janitor because both know the janitor is more mature in the things of Christ?

           If we had fewer "white" churches and "black" churches, fewer "blue-collar" churches and "white-collar" churches, maybe we'd see better what Jesus tells when he says we've come into a new household with one Spirit, one Father, and one Christ.


TO that I say AMEN!

Really? That's so 20 years ago!

So I read a blog post today from a prominent Christian author, he was lamenting the "fascination of the American culture with death". His justification for this stance was the booming popularity of the television show The Walking Dead and "violent video games like Mortal Kombat". And it was maddening to me on a  few levels.

1. Mortal Kombat is a game that reached its highest peaks some 20 years ago. It was the reason that video games are now rated for content by the ESRB, it is violent and it is bloody, but it is in no way a reflection of the current culture, as it is not really culturally relevant, except if a cable channel is doing a retrospective show of the 1990's. There are plenty of violent video games, many which I would not  condone...so why would you pick one from the 90's?

2. The Walking Dead is a cultural phenomenon, highest rated show on cable television, maybe even better numbers than Duck Dynasty.  It is violent and brutal... but there is as much if not more "Biblical Content" on this show than any other Hollywood produced show. The reaches down to fundamental questions about humanity, it shows how bad things can and do get when we "as humans" determine morality for ourselves. It is the far extreme of relativism. There are a number of characters that directly quote or read from the Bible. There currently is a Pastor as one of the main characters, who when things went poorly did not do what he/or the church should do and is now in a great deal of pain and remorse for it.

So my real issue is this, we (including me) Christians are sometimes so detached from society as a whole we are unengaged in the conversations happening in our culture. If Christians (and by the way I do know many who watch the show) were able to engage our culture through a show like the Walking Dead and some of the great questions of faith it may raise; and have great Godly conversations based on a very popular show why wouldn't we be doing that? Instead mostly we sit in Ivory Towers heaping condemnation on this culture and society, tell everyone what we are against, but rarely what we are for. We hide behind our own piousness and lament on how far this culture is from our God and we point to the "awful" examples of art and expression as proof of our stance, but we would never soil ourselves by watching or partaking in such filth! We would never understand how to talk to people not of our faith because we are slowly isolating ourselves so much, that when we do need to make a point about our culture we point to something that is long past or well out of context.

We need to wake up to the world around us. God has us here and now for a purpose...it is not to hide and wait for Jesus return. We need to use whatever cultural settings we can to point people to the One who created all things! That is the way Paul and the early church did it!

Voice

In November, Renee and I were part of a group that put on a Foster Care summit at a Church here in Lincoln. The leaders asked me to perform a monologue/skit/ dramatic something as part of the event. I thought about what this would be and I ended up writing this poem/piece about foster care from the perspective of an 8 ish year old. I titled it Voice. Enjoy!

Voice

You chose to ride your glass dragon

Filled with a huff and puff

 In a cloud of smoke my life was upended

As if termites; eating at the foundation of

My life everything I know is

Lost and condemned

Days 1-5 are hard to remember

Flashes of emotions; red black and yellow

Like watching a movie, I am living someone else’s life

This isn’t my bed; I can’t get comfortable it’s too soft

Like sleeping inside of a pillow

I can’t find a position where I can breathe

Day 9 - I start to wake from the haze of the last week

The vacation is over and I know that I am not going home

But I got to see you, and I hoped

Maybe you could explain this to me or apologize

Or make it all better like when you would kiss the

Boo-boo on my knee, somehow that magic you shared

Is gone… WHY!!!????

Day 23 and a half - I am being smothered

Like a bug smashed under a tissue or wearing a sweater

In the middle of the hottest summer day or walking a mile

In shoes that are a size too small, they are really nice

But why do they keep looking at me like that

Why would they care about me when you couldn’t?

I need to find a way to grasp onto some control  

Day 41 – finally something makes sense and I have

Found a way to see something predictable

When I claw, bite, and fight I see the

Tears I was so used to seeing between you and dad

Only this time I say when they get to come

And making them appear can be so much

Control … predictable… 

Day 87 –They are still here and you are gone

I am not even sure I want to see you ever again

But it's Thursday; I'll get picked up in the van

I hate it! It is dirty and stained. You can

Smell the tears of the other kids forced to ride it

Some going home; others crying as they are ripped away

Day 103 - They took me to church and for the first time I heard

I was told that I am cared for and loved

By a God who creates and cares for all He makes,

Yet somehow I don’t feel like a masterpiece, that’s not me

I am paint by numbers with colors that don’t match right

Cheap and distorted … trash

Day 188 – This room smells

Oder as thick as the wooden bench and tables

Why are we here, when I see you I am not sure what to feel?

I want to go home, but I remember the hurt

You instilled. Mostly how you just didn’t

Care I was hungry, dirty, and scared… I just want to feel safe

Day 235 – I hate my birthday!

They tried so hard to make it special and it was

I had spaghetti and meatballs and I even got a cake

It was too much attention… then you didn’t show up

All I wanted was to see you these stupid presents

They could have saved their money the cracking

And shattering of the plastic as I twist

Smash and break feels like my heart…where were you!

Day 276 - I am done crying

Done feeling like I have betrayed you

Done feeling like this isn’t my home

My bed is now sunk in in the parts I like

My impression is left in the sheets when I wake up

This is my new normal

Day 365 – Has it been a year?

Memories orbiting back in; of the night when

All gravity ceased to exist

The world got turned upside down and

A supernova explosion left nothing but chaos

And despair….

Day 400 - The church again…this time

Something even more extraordinary:

So he decided long ago to adopt us as his children.

He did it because of what Jesus Christ has done.

 It pleased God to do it.

 All those things bring praise to his glorious grace.

God freely gave us his grace because of the One he loves.

 Can he really mean me?

Day 462 – This is over… I am never going home

It not like that is even home anymore

The shot of the gavel ringing out

Cannot even be heard over the

Final piece of my heart that breaks

For what we once were… family

What does this all mean now?

Day 515 or Day 1 – Another gavel shot

This one rings with a different tune

Family has been redefined and renewed

MY MOM quotes

 I prayed for this child.

The Lord has given me what I asked him for.

So now I’m giving him to the Lord.

As long as he lives he’ll be given to the Lord.”

And all of them worshiped the Lord there.

2015 - Welcome New Year/ New Focus

I am not a big fan of "New Year's Resolutions", half-hearted attempts to make changes in one's life, that has been made several years previously, with little follow through or commitment.

But I am starting to better understand the idea of goal setting. I have had conversations with several people over the last part of 2014 where they, or they and their spouse have gone away together to set goals for the upcoming year. While this practice seems a bit odd, spending a vacation to plan what "success"  looks like for the year, instead of spending a vacation relaxing or on a roller-coaster; I think I getting to the point where I see the need to put pen to paper on things I would like to see accomplished this year, however, this is all at the Grace and mercy of God because He will guide and direct my path, I am merely planing my steps.

Goals for 2015

1. Blog... twice a week at least, I will be seeing a lot of you all!

2. Get finances in order...somehow. See posts on My Biggest Failure, tiered of the same old same old.

3. Potty Training for Little Man, this will probably happen later in the year, but it will be nice to be diaper free.

4. Help guide my oldest to a good decision about college, go on a few visits with him. He has it narrowed down, cant believe he is graduating in May.

5. Take a family vacation!!!

6. Celebrate well; Birthdays, Anniversaries, Graduation and find joy in everyday moments.

7. Be a better friend, sometimes I feel quite lonely... I am not sure how great I am at maintaining friendships.

8. Be obedient to God's call in my life.