Voice

In November, Renee and I were part of a group that put on a Foster Care summit at a Church here in Lincoln. The leaders asked me to perform a monologue/skit/ dramatic something as part of the event. I thought about what this would be and I ended up writing this poem/piece about foster care from the perspective of an 8 ish year old. I titled it Voice. Enjoy!

Voice

You chose to ride your glass dragon

Filled with a huff and puff

 In a cloud of smoke my life was upended

As if termites; eating at the foundation of

My life everything I know is

Lost and condemned

Days 1-5 are hard to remember

Flashes of emotions; red black and yellow

Like watching a movie, I am living someone else’s life

This isn’t my bed; I can’t get comfortable it’s too soft

Like sleeping inside of a pillow

I can’t find a position where I can breathe

Day 9 - I start to wake from the haze of the last week

The vacation is over and I know that I am not going home

But I got to see you, and I hoped

Maybe you could explain this to me or apologize

Or make it all better like when you would kiss the

Boo-boo on my knee, somehow that magic you shared

Is gone… WHY!!!????

Day 23 and a half - I am being smothered

Like a bug smashed under a tissue or wearing a sweater

In the middle of the hottest summer day or walking a mile

In shoes that are a size too small, they are really nice

But why do they keep looking at me like that

Why would they care about me when you couldn’t?

I need to find a way to grasp onto some control  

Day 41 – finally something makes sense and I have

Found a way to see something predictable

When I claw, bite, and fight I see the

Tears I was so used to seeing between you and dad

Only this time I say when they get to come

And making them appear can be so much

Control … predictable… 

Day 87 –They are still here and you are gone

I am not even sure I want to see you ever again

But it's Thursday; I'll get picked up in the van

I hate it! It is dirty and stained. You can

Smell the tears of the other kids forced to ride it

Some going home; others crying as they are ripped away

Day 103 - They took me to church and for the first time I heard

I was told that I am cared for and loved

By a God who creates and cares for all He makes,

Yet somehow I don’t feel like a masterpiece, that’s not me

I am paint by numbers with colors that don’t match right

Cheap and distorted … trash

Day 188 – This room smells

Oder as thick as the wooden bench and tables

Why are we here, when I see you I am not sure what to feel?

I want to go home, but I remember the hurt

You instilled. Mostly how you just didn’t

Care I was hungry, dirty, and scared… I just want to feel safe

Day 235 – I hate my birthday!

They tried so hard to make it special and it was

I had spaghetti and meatballs and I even got a cake

It was too much attention… then you didn’t show up

All I wanted was to see you these stupid presents

They could have saved their money the cracking

And shattering of the plastic as I twist

Smash and break feels like my heart…where were you!

Day 276 - I am done crying

Done feeling like I have betrayed you

Done feeling like this isn’t my home

My bed is now sunk in in the parts I like

My impression is left in the sheets when I wake up

This is my new normal

Day 365 – Has it been a year?

Memories orbiting back in; of the night when

All gravity ceased to exist

The world got turned upside down and

A supernova explosion left nothing but chaos

And despair….

Day 400 - The church again…this time

Something even more extraordinary:

So he decided long ago to adopt us as his children.

He did it because of what Jesus Christ has done.

 It pleased God to do it.

 All those things bring praise to his glorious grace.

God freely gave us his grace because of the One he loves.

 Can he really mean me?

Day 462 – This is over… I am never going home

It not like that is even home anymore

The shot of the gavel ringing out

Cannot even be heard over the

Final piece of my heart that breaks

For what we once were… family

What does this all mean now?

Day 515 or Day 1 – Another gavel shot

This one rings with a different tune

Family has been redefined and renewed

MY MOM quotes

 I prayed for this child.

The Lord has given me what I asked him for.

So now I’m giving him to the Lord.

As long as he lives he’ll be given to the Lord.”

And all of them worshiped the Lord there.

Snap Back to reality

Long time, no post!

The past 18 months has been a journey for my family and I into the world of foster care and adoption. For many of you who are closest to me you might have seen the on going ups and downs over the course of the year and a half; for those of you who know me in the context of this blog you will note I only posted two short times during the process. It was a journey, one of the hardest things that God has required us to step out in faith with Him. And while I still don't think it would be prudent to share details nor do I feel I have the hindsight to put that journey into its proper perspective: I do have some thoughts that I would like to share.

I have a friend that is currently "in the system" which is lingo for they have stepped to the calling of bringing children into their home. This understood in the context of Christian worldview is one of the most selfless and compassionate acts of love that can be done. At its most beautiful it is the process of reconciliation of a family (whether biological or an adoption). But it is so messy! My friend reminded me of how hard this path is today as we sat and chatted about their case. I was heartbreak and sad on so many levels. The situation of the kiddos was horrifying. My friends doing their best to provide love and support. A biological family that has so many hurts and disadvantages. And a system of government trying their best to operate both within the law and the best interest of the children and how does uncle Sam know what is best anyway. Hear this story today shook me and brought back feelings that were overwhelming during our journey in the system.

I have been praying for them all day and am heartbroken for them.

One insight I would like to share with all of you is our motive and mind/ heart position though out the whole process. One of the things I became increasingly convinced was our attitude should be encapsulated in the thought, how do we love well? It is so easy to love well the little guy who is  now a part of our family and it always has been. A little harder, but still easy to love the "workers" on your case; sure sometimes it feels like they are talking out of both sides of their mouths or that they are moving to hastily or not moving quickly enough but deep down you know that they are doing the best they can in a system that is overcrowded and moves slow. But how do love the bio parents well? How do you look at the actions that has led them to this place and have empathy for them. How do you pray for their downfall? Is that really what you praying for when you are asking for when praying for consequences or justice? How about instead, realizing that God love and cherishes them just as much he does us is a good start. How would He treat the, would He count their sins too great or would He take their choices and sins, nail them to the cross with His son? Wouldn't He do the same for mine?  Are my sins any greater or less than theirs? Isn't all sin the same? It is gut wrenchingly hard! And their is no clear answer...but we are called to feed, clothe, give food and drink, and visit those who are the "least of these" and I would suggest those "in the system" - everyone in the system (caseworkers, children, bio parents, judges, and even lawyers and foster parents) are the least of these.
Getting invloved does not mean you are going to take children into your home. Like being a missionary, I think it is a specific calling that God puts into your life; however, just as it is the job of the CHURCH (corporate and entire - not specific or individual church) to support the cause of missionaries..it is also the job of the CHURCH to support the people in this field.